what is practice really (deathpractice dreams 15.3)
collections from the grave of now - Jan 2023
i’ve written a lot of posts, some published and others as yet to be, trying to get at the core of this question.
because practice, real practice, isn’t knowing, its not understanding and its unpredictable… it cant be assumed. it cant be controlled in this way that so many people are seeking more control over a false idea of what life is. an inaccurate idea of what life and death are.
understanding only comes from a long path of hindsight. and to get to real hindsight one must risk and risk again, and keep refining their risking so that they are always on the edge of their knowing, which is to say, on the real edge of life which is unknowable.
many people hate the unknown and really feel betrayed by the unknowable core of reality.
so instead of spending the time developing relationships, they spend their time developing defenses.
a whole lifetime of developing defenses until they cant even interact with anyone or anything directly, it’s all mediated by these artificial defense mechanisms. it’s pretentiousness as a way to pretend to be able to survive reality via an imagined control.
i call this hamsterwheeling. you think you are getting somewhere but really, you aren’t getting anywhere except deeper into your own self created pit of delusion, despair and madness. for some people, this is the only real path to honesty. they have to hit rock bottom and go to hell.
it’s better for everyone if they get there quick, but most people will prolong the process and outsource their damage onto others, outsource the consequences of their dishonesty onto other bodies in an invented dominance hierarchy in which they play the role of “victim” while everyone around them is harmed by their actions and dramas.
in a sane society, this outsourcing would be the necessary fuel for awakening, which is a total and complete humiliation of the false sense of pride they have called a personality, a defense against being alive together in an unknown and unknowable existence.
getting to the point is getting to this humiliation quicker, to fully allow the false self, the ghost self, to fail utterly at its attempts at control, so as to break down and reveal the truth and honesty hiding behind it.
this process can be done quicker, more simply and more playfully when in smaller crafted containers of play in which everyone is dedicated and determined to be liberated, honest and unpretentious. to develop the relationality that is the only way towards honest intimacy and interdependence.
the pitfalls are many because of our human capacity for neurobiological addiction states and manipulating others to get covert supply.
however, through sane and fiercely examined coalitions we can be together without becoming abusers of our togetherness.
what this means is that we must risk “exposure”.
risking exposure is the surest way to recognize how your defense mechanisms are addictions that continually justify themselves as the only way for you to survive. this devil’s bargain of “survival” or honesty (but not both! never both.) is how we continually appear to benefit from the violence hierarchy in society. it is only in leaving this transaction that we can accept death and honesty as valuable and meaningful truths that help us be real people instead of defenses and addictions masquerading as people.
coalition building is how we would mitigate the risks of exposure while not defending against exposure completely and pervasively.
we need to learn the skills of conscious exposure and of conscious, playful risking.
this helps us develop our relationships with the forces of pain, fear and hunger/desire.
our deep desire for safety often comes at a steep price, and others manipulate that fact.
on our path to a more just and equitable world, we will be attacked by those who want to stay the same and continue to get away with abuse in large and small ways.
We are experiencing collective energy 100% of the time, even when we are defending ourselves from feeling what we are feeling.
Some of the most damaging defensiveness comes from the words culture has trained us to use in describing various forms of energy, such as emotions, feelings, thoughts etc.
That and the fact that our defensiveness compartmentalizes us (lol at mentalizes) so that we are not being whole beings as we are feeling energies.
This double fracturing causes us to feel lost, threatened, and constantly searching for more control mechanisms which further exacerbate the condition.
When we don’t know how to play or create containers for play, we can’t follow the motion of these energies as they arise and change.
Following these motions honestly without “understanding” them is key in being a whole person, centered, connected, present, expansive, timeless and responsive.
i can tell lot of ignorant ghosts gonna come out this year when we talk about collectivism, distributed power and leadership models, accountability and responsibility.
what i can say now, is if u have a weird feeling then u haven’t really dealt with your own shit around both counter dominance and domination tendencies within your system. you don’t yet have a sane relationship with "power" because "power" is misused against you and you’ve contorted into weird shapes in order to survive. (welcome to the club)
this doesn’t mean i’m wrong and you’re right - it means you don’t have enough context and you are letting the ghosts run your body because basketball reasons.
anarchy doesn’t mean "chaos". counter domination doesn’t mean hierarchal domination.
you also need to learn to wipe yr own ass when you come on my posts to figure shit out. don’t try and figure shit out at my expense. i ain’t payin the price u need to pay! stop outsourcing. this is the whole fkn issue.
all hierarchal dominance models outsource the consequences they don’t want to deal with onto the bodies of whoever is deemed to be "less than" in the model.
you are so used to being both pissed on and pissing on others you are acclimated to it as normal and defend it as "natural selection".
BLM has done a lot of things correctly. Decentralized leadership is a big one. HOWEVER, not sure if they could've done anything about what has happened since their uprising. IMO, in hindsight, they needed to openly denounce capitalism and the use of BLM and identity politics as capitalist leverage. This is hard to square when a bunch of poor people "want the bag".
In the aftermath of such a beautiful uprising, even though its individual participants perhaps not being able to be real mixed coalition diplomats (i have my own mixed race stories smh) - the DEI boom created as many opportunities as it created betrayals, inter-poc competition, and a frankly sloppy and often non-existent political wisdom.
Reparations and anti-racism should never have been about Black people being allowed into the haves category. It should've been about the pox of individualism and western ideology, about the need for true mixed coalition building, and the collectivist revolt against capitalism.
But it didn't turn out that way. Too many Black people, seduced by the devil of capitalist hierarchy and KING/QUEEN Black supremacy culture, fought fire with fire and just sought to outWHITE white supremacy.
Of course it's nice seeing black folks get their shine. it's not great when that shine comes at the cost of increased social hierarchy.
And seeing black folks get some of that hot DEI funding, made every other minority group compete for that, giving THE STATE ever more power, doling out those grants. In this case, the state is also white nonprofit orgs, colleges, art funds, etc.
We lost again fam. WE LOST. AGAIN.
i'd like to share with everyone an example of the toxic water rabbit qi of this year, that will likely be a growing part of our collective shadow. remember that truth and honesty will always be able to be weaponized, because of peoples various racial and cultural identities and the way that identities can be marketed and leveraged for money and power within a state.
the fact that there is a state, means that reality (truth, honesty, disagreement, etc) isn't owned by the collective, because the collective is "owned" by the state.
states are any kind of imperialized, supremacist or colonizing force that is held up as the arbiter of truth and material resources, enforced by domination.
we all have our own complex histories that cannot be boiled down and reduced into moralizable absolutes. and our behaviors can be interpreted differently by different bodies (duh). but there is a way that a NO must be enforceable in order to prevent domination (counter or reverse dominance).
i can tell this yin water rabbit year will embolden those who love manipulating words in order to secure status and sympathy.
there is no one unified "asianness", "blackness" "indigenous" etc. people who claim this kind of stance as if it has power are playing you. using your fear of racism for their own benefit. there are plenty of nationalists and supremacists of every race, creed and color. learn to notice the dog whistles.
of course a person can always say "x behavior is racist to me" and theres no way to prove or disprove this on a personal level. i have told you, tada uses his japanese ness (and the fact he practices hip hop street dance) in an anti black and anti puerto rican way against me, and says that my behaviors are anti asian. this wont ever be squared neatly. im okay with not trying to come to equitable terms. equity in this case is no dominance and no predation. everyone has to decide what that means, and many will side with the dominating forces that they think will serve them the most.
so, u have to make up your own damn minds and be okay with disagreement and with people naming your behaviors plainly. if u identify as being asian, u may side with the person who claims anti asian ness, if u identify in black or mixed ways, u may side with someone who says anti black etc etc.
but siding is not the ideal. siding often is just a defense mechanism. all i did was tell what happened to me. i never asked for u to side, just to hear what happened. but others want more than that. they want a reputation they can leverage that defends their behaviors from consequence.
i never suspected at the beginning that tada who explained aspects of animism as cultural somatics, would become this kind of person. but we all have our ghosts to bear. anyone can succumb at any time under various pressures. i have often admitted, and i will apologize again, for being kind of gullible and an idealist, and that this idealism has caused problems. i have been tangled up with lots of fools and have been a fool. fools can redeem themselves (though not the same thing as forgiveness). but that redemption process is via changed behaviors, not masked behaviors.
would that i could trust in the wisdom of the collective, complete with unflappable elders of all kinds. but this state killed and marauded any hope of that, fracturing coalitions into tribalist war parties, all beholden to the state to compete against each other for the "scarce resources" doled out by said state.
and so the wise council has become the board of directors, looking out for their bottom line in a race to the bottom.
if youre reading this and have a REAL relationship with me, my inbox is open to you. i am not allowing comments because, as this is a public post, many of you who believe that i need to be taken down will try to use your voice to do so. u can do that on your own platforms.
i think the stark reality is that ppl like buddha, jesus, mlk, malcolm etc wouldn't put up with a lot of behaviors that their modern day "fans" exhibit.
there's a lot of fetishizing from the "winners write the history books" perch.
there's a lot of rewards for towing the line, putting on a minstrel show and taking the money, the clout, the status, the deals. i know what it's like, being told to act white, be white, etc as a not 100% white person... the cattle prods are around every corner. even the 'most progressive' of white people will cringe when indigenous or black voice tones or embodiment arises.
there's a lot of talk about "moderation" and "meeting ppl where they are" and "building bridges" and all sorts of code words for "don't tell us no", "i want what i want and i deserve to have it" and a million other racist, classist, tribalist shit that has become default normalized in an attempt to dissociate from reality, and just live in a house on genocided land, shrugging shoulders and being like, "bUt i HAve So ManY BIlls IM OppREssEd too".
i don't have a lot of people in my life that i would know for certain that they would turn down the devil's bargain. and i still show up, try to build coalitions without behaving like a sniveling sycophantic greedo. i'm not triggered or jealous, in fact, i can't even fathom how i could be to be really honest. if you don't know what i'm saying, if you think i'm triggered or projecting you might be one of the stupids.
see, theres a difference between telling the truth and outrage discharge. a difference between honesty and wallowing in victimhood.
i mean, my afro puerto rican father took the devils bargain, first in the army that abused and traumatized him, and then he became a motherfucking prison guard. this is some twisted karmic shit. and yeah i know where it all comes from. i know the ancestral legacies and psychosis. but i'm probably alive because he paid child support with that blood money! and he was poor, dark skinned, kinky haired dude. i know why he took the poison apple! and the story of one of my white ancestors who migrated from northern france to italy to canada is just so awful it reads like a fucking parody of evil that boggles the mind. exiled by family, had to change name in italy, came to canada and literally said that this mountain was his because he saw it in a dream. and the mountain still has a monument and is named after him. insane victim-hero nonsense. insane insane insane "poor" white people.
but i have seen people behave in monstrous ways, and so have i being raised in such a fucked up society, but never have i seen the kind of nasty ass behavior than i have from people who have power and pretend to not. from people who have the resources to actually clean up the messes.
power is a narcotic. it is not a medicine except when wielded collectively to counter domination.
whiteness, westernism, individualism, etc... it has seeped in. and if it means that i will be stoned to death by people who think they are heroes while others pat them on the back, well so be it.
it may be that most humans alive today are actually the descendants of the cowards. the ones who took the king's ransom, who beat their fellow citizen to get a raise in rank, in racialization, to be let into the pearly halls of whiteness, to be a soldier or cop, to essentially become the worst version of humanity, disguised as a savior.
so maybe, this is what we get because we are the children of those people who decided it was better to take the bribe and live, than say no and be killed.