The good clean dark

Year end vibes & state of the onion

Hello all. Theres about 500 of you on here and thats pretty good for a person who has absolutely not done what is necessary to be successful in the capitalist marketplace.

As some of u know ive been battling a lifelong syndrome that western medicine doesnt have a label for, which means western medicine cannot help. After traveling to LA this past august i was able to find an asian medicine practitioner who could help me through the end time of my fate path. This past month ive been sidelined by side effects from the herbal prescriptions, an unfortunately necessary experiment in order to determine what is going on in my biology.

Good but also, lost 4 weeks. And will probably lose more and more in terms of being able to be productive inside capitalism.

The last year and really the last three years have been a brutal reminder of how me and my body are not supposed to be here. I am just watching this all go by. 44 years of junk. What a nondual shitshow trip.

My capacity for long term planning and execution is almost nil. I cant plan for the future. I can barely be creative or concentrate, but what ive been gifted and can practice sustains me in some way. Im not able to really do what my fate desires of me, and less and less able to figure out how to manage the misperceptions and poverty that come with my soul.

I think the main difference between being older from when i was younger is that i really understand now how so much of my motivations in the past were driven by pain, fear, stress and some perverse hope that i could live a pleasurable life. It all seems so cringe and regretful now. Exhausting and exhausted.

i am trying to be of service but it doesnt seem to be producing useful results. All i can say is that every so often i will record something on instagram live and try and help that way until it no longer feels viable.

darecarrasquillo

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I have a black friend that tells me that ive changed so many ppls lives but that im not appreciated in a respectful way. I think this is just how it is in this psycho circus. You can spit truth but still be spit on, in one way or the other. All i can do is do what i can do avoid hating and resenting the way things have turned out. Im not a saint but i dont want more blood on my hands. I dont want to waste my small life force on an addicted public who is still caught up in the capitalist-supremacy game. If i could just help mixed folks maybe that would feel better. I dont know.

I am posting more on notes here (a subsection of substack) and instagram. Facebook is… barely tolerable. And even this substack platform helps nazis make money. Its just a fascist apocalypse everywhere. The amount of attention scream porn. We weren’t supposed to go this route. Cannibal cults in full effect.

Free Palestine (and everywhere)

Read/listen to john trudell. (Books, albums, documentaries)

Maybe ill write a final booklist in 2024, but just remember the work is not perpetual information consumption. You have to have an applied process.

*the good clean dark is a book detailing african american near death experiences that overlaps well with daoism, dream and deathpractices, dzogchen atiyoga.